Some of you may be aware that Kellia over on her D-Backs blog has managed to get an interview with Eric Byrnes. Unfortunately for Kellia this is not an exclusive, for I can now reveal that the new ace reporter for MLB, Alyssa Milano, has also managed to interview Eric.I have gained unprecedented access to the tape of said interview before it is released to a hungry media,and (against the advice of my lawyers) I can now provide a transcript of what people are already calling "the most anticipated interview of the new millennium".
AM- Eric,thanks for talking to me
EB-it’s a pleasure
AM-can I ask how it feels when you hit a home run
EB- it feels great
AM- yes,I guess it must be wonderful to "touch ’em all"
EB- er yes
AM- I mean to "touch ’em all" is almost the very definition of what baseball is about
EB- I guess
AM-don’t you think that "touch ’em all" is a great name for a range of clothing?
EB- I’ve never really thought….
AM- Anyway,are you married?
EB- yes I am
AM-I bet your wife likes to wear great looking clothes with a baseball theme right?
EB- I suppose
AM- then the "touch ’em all" range is ideal for her and all her friends
EB-(moving away) ok
AM-(grabs EB by the arm) Eric, would you say that you are a great humanitarian?
EB- (warily) I don’t know
AM-because I am a great humanitarian and it’s always nice to meet a kindred spirit.Do you know why I am a great humanitarian?
AM- firstly because I design clothes that make people happy, and secondly because on my website I have links to charities, some of them are children’s charities,so just by doing that I’m helping to save the lives of children
AM- and I also wrote a very long and detailed blog entry about the Roberto Clemente awards.My agent said that it might look like I was using the awards to promote my clothes but I think it’s the other way around.I mean I’ve got lots of great fans who visit my site and if they read about people doing good that’s a good thing right?
AM-if you think about it I am helping to recognize people who help others, so really I’m even better than the people who are up for the award
EB-well…I don’t know
AM-I must be of pure intentions and open my eyes and my heart to the suffering of humanity
EB-I have no idea what you are talking about
AM-that’s what it says on my website.I’ll be able to say things like that when I’m a reporter for the post-season
EB-(astonished) you’re gonna be a reporter
AM-(jumping up and down excitedly) yes isn’t it great? I could interview you again then.Do you think you will make it to the post-season
EB-I think we may give it a miss this season
AM-(makes a sad face) that’s a shame.can I ask you one final question about baseball?
EB-is it about baseball?
EB-ok ask away
AM-if you had to think of one phrase to define the "touch ’em all" range of accessories what would it be?
At this point of the interview the sound becomes distorted, but there is some shouting and what seems to be a scuffle,eventually a bystander can be heard to shout "Dear God,he’s got her by the throat" .
End of tape.