How disappointed I have been to see the lack of support for my belated bid to be "President of the Red Sox Nation" but, no matter, for the Red Sox loss is the Diamondbacks gain and I can exclusively reveal that after intensive talks with the Arizona Front Office I am now prepared to unleash my highly trained team of monkeys in a bid to reach the play offs (for those of you slightly puzzled by the previous sentence I should explain that I have been raising hordes of our simian friends in an abandoned missile silo in the Arizona desert;hopefully that will clarify any confusion).
Bob Melvin soon approved the plan once it was explained to him the many advantages that monkeys can bring to a ball club. For example, the base-running will improve dramatically as will the ability to turn double plays. The outfield can be covered by just two monkeys, leaving one monkey free to literally roam around the park, and many a home run will be prevented by a fielder clambering to the top of the wall and making an easy catch. From the pitching point of view it’s all 150 mile an hour fastballs,no subtlety perhaps, but effective. I also see no problem in winning all bench clearing brawls in the future. The Front office were also pleased at the pay structure requested by the monkeys, which is essentially enough bananas to fill Carnegie Hall (although Coco has requested his own tire for road trips).
The starting rotation from today will be;
Coco, Sooki-Soo,Mr Tibbles, Gunky the Monkey and Corporal Flinger.
I know that there will be a few raised eyebrows at the inclusion of Mr Tibbles but I’m confident that his control issues are a thing of the past, and he will no longer urinate on the mound in order to mark his territory.As long as this group stay free of injury the Divisional race is as good as won.
PS those of you who are wondering what will happen to the current human staff of the D-Backs will be interested to know that they have formed a traveling theater group, and are currently in rehearsals for a performance of "My Fair Lady" (controversially set in the Jazz era).My insiders tell me that Eric Byrnes is a revelation as Professor Henry Higgins, and that Chad Tracy makes a delightful Eliza. They open November 4th in Laughlin.