When I got back from the cinema last night (I’d been to see "Bourne to Run" the exciting story of a CIA Agent who must win the Olympic marathon to prevent nuclear technology falling into the wrong hands) I noticed that a few blogs had been created in order for their writers to campaign to be "President of the Red Sox Nation" and whilst I have no idea what this job entails or what it’s purpose is I’ve decided to set out my platform for the role (after all not knowing what the job is didn’t stop President etc etc).
Promise 1-Upon election I will declare total war on the Yankees.I will not rest until Yankee Stadium and all Yankee fans are removed from the face of the Earth.
Promise 2– Free tickets to all Red Sox games for anyone who votes for me.
Promise 3– The end of all future elections with myself declared as lifelong President (this will eliminate potentially distracting campaigning when we could be destroying the Yankees).
Promise 4-I will play short stop for selected games.
Promise 5-Bigamy will be re-introduced into the RSN.
Promise 6– The buying and selling of cattle will be limited to Tuesdays and Saturdays (except during the second week in March when cattle trading will be banned completely).
Promise 7– Within 2 years of my election the entire Red Sox team will be composed of the highly trained monkeys that I am currently breeding in an abandoned missile silo deep in the Arizona desert.
Promise 8– Did I mention the complete destruction of the Yankees?
Vote for me and to **** with the consequences.