This blog has become increasingly concerned about the mental health of some of our top baseball players and in a spirit of altruism has decided to provide some help to these unfortunate creatures. We asked the esteemed psychologist Dr Albert Grimmerson to answer the queries of the nations top athletes. His replies and advice are detailed below, obviously anonymity is maintained at all times;
The Patient– "I am a tall pitcher with a desert based baseball team. They are paying me a salary roughly equivalent to the GDP of Canada but I am unable to pitch for the rest of the season, yet I feel no guilt, why not?
The Doctor’s Diagnosis– "This is a classic case of ‘PSS’ or ‘Professional Sports Syndrome’. During your daily life you are surrounded by many people with the morality of a Baltimore crack w***e, it’s inevitable that you yourself will take on some of these characteristics."
The Doctor’s Prescription– "Enjoy yourself. This is one of the most liberating diseases known to man. Buy another house, go on holiday, who cares."
The Patient– "I am the Captain of a famous New York baseball team, and a very good player, yet when I go out in public the fans of other teams don’t respect me. What is wrong with them?"
The Doctor’s Diagnosis– "Normally I would say that they are suffering from jealousy at your success. However in this case it seems that you are a genuinely smug and dislikable fellow who just annoys people, especially the way that when you are batting you hold your hand up until you are ready to hit as though the whole world has to wait for you."
The Doctor’s Prescription– "A good slapping."
The Patient– "I am a pitcher with a Florida based,fish themed, major league outfit and I seem to have developed anger management issues. Can you help me?"
The Doctor’s Diagnosis– "In my experience people who say that they have anger management issues usually turn out to be violent thugs who should be banished from normal society for the good of us all. However in your case it could be that you are allergic to this fish that you mention. Food based rage is a particular interest of mine as indicated by a recent incident in which I was served a sausage McMuffin when I had specifically requested bacon."
The Doctor’s Prescription– "A red meat based diet and a twice weekly tasering"
The Patient– " I am the star player for a Detroit based team. I recently called a former manager a racist, but then denied it,why?"
The Doctor’s Diagnosis– "Because you are a sociopath."
The Doctor’s Prescription– "A heavy dose of mind altering drugs."
The Patient– "I am the best player that has ever lived and am currently approaching a home run record,yet all anybody ever talks about are steroids, even though nothing has ever been proven.Why don’t people respect and love me, and treat me with the awe I deserve."
The Doctor’s Diagnosis– "You are like the man who fell into an Egyptian river.You are in denial. (This blog wishes to distance itself,and it’s sponsors, from that previous joke) Problems are like bullies, once you face up to them they don’t seem quite as scary."
The Doctor’s Prescription-"If you’re guilty,say so. You can make a fortune from books and TV movies, and don’t forget to go on to the Oprah show and cry, it worked for me,of course I was only in the audience but I think the point is made."
The Patient– "I play for a team that has it’s home games in Kansas.I recently shot a television reporter in the face and claimed that it was an accident.But it wasn’t, it’s something that I had been planning for weeks. Do I have a problem?"
The Doctor’s Diagnosis-"You are in the classic early stages of what is known as ‘SKD" or "Serial Killer Disease". It is more than likely that you will strike again, but who knows when and who knows how? Only a crack team of Quantico based profilers can track down this menace to society."
The Doctor’s Prescription– "All the really succesful serial killers have great names. I suggest ‘The Kansas Killer’ or The Baseball Butcher’, alliteration is very important. All this is discussed in my latest book "Naming a Serial killer:Why Alliteration is Very Important".
Thank you Doctor.