You can imagine my excitement when I read about the new MLBlogs initiative in which fans are invited to recreate famous moments from post season history, wittily entitled "actober". Once I had set aside 10 minutes to laugh myself hoarse at the hilarity of the name I realized that this was a fantastic opportunity for somebody with my talents. Anybody who has read the "about" section of this blog will know that I was the artistic director of The Royal Shakespeare Company for three years in the 1990’s (my tenure only coming to an abrupt end due to an unfortunate incident involving Vanessa Redgrave and a novelty ice-making machine). Nevertheless my little black book of contacts is still in place and I wasted no time in calling the finest talent that Britain has to offer. Filming will begin next week at Pinewood Studios which is a short drive from my current residence and will thus be perfect for those late night wrap parties. Casting always was,and always will be my forte so, if you dare, run an envious eye over the star studded project.
Obviously I have chosen to re-create Gonzo’s game winning hit in the 2001 World Series and I myself have humbly agreed to play the part of Gonzalez, using what the "Slough Observer" recently called my "unique approach to acting". Joining me in the venture will be Idris Elba who will take the role of Mariano Rivera (Idris is best known for playing the ruthless drug dealer "Stringer Bell" in the acclaimed TV series "The Wire") and I’m confident that the intensity that he will bring to playing the part of Rivera will translate into my film, indeed his mound discussions with Jorge Posada (an hilarious cameo from John Cleese) will be central to the projects narrative drive.
Playing the part of Mark Grace will be Michael Caine, a little young for the role perhaps, but with make-up I’m confident that he can convince the sternest critic.A natural for the role of Craig Counsell is Orlando Bloom and to be honest he will also (along with my good self) help to attract the female fans to the film,Jay Bell will be played by the young Harry Potter star Daniel Ratcliffe. An interesting second story line will involve Bob Brenly (Roger Moore) and Joe Torre (Bob Hoskins) in a tug-of-love with a Fox Sports presenter played by Keira Knightley.
Directing the project will be Sir Richard Attenborough who has already arranged for 50,000 extras to fill the crowd scenes. After much coercion (mainly involving phone calls from the man himself) I have agreed to let Sir Paul McCartney pen the incidental music, but I have been very clear that I will not tolerate any of the classical nonsense he has produced recently and have instead requested a melody that at the beginning is reminiscent of "Yesterday" and at the end is reminiscent of "Maxwell’s Silver Hammer"
Needless to say the two tickets to the World Series are as good as won, but an artist with my drive does not stop there. There are several side projects relating to this film that are already in development. The first of which is a real time TV series, a la "24", in which the Diamondbacks have to win the World Series to prevent terrorists detonating a nuclear weapon in downtown Phoenix (thus killing 32 people). The second is a musical adaptation which will be casted by means of a reality TV show that will compete directly with "American Idol", Simon Cowell has already expressed interest "if only to get away from that drunk" (he could mean anyone).
The future seems to be full of promise and I am currently in negotiations to play Barry Bonds in the official bio-pic of his life ("The name’s Bonds, Barry Bonds") Barry himself has requested that I play the role; "You are the only white man I trust" he told me last night by phone.
Please don’t let the undoubted excellence of what I will produce prevent you from hashing together your own little video clip. I’m sure that the judges will treat your effort with the same reverence as they will surely treat my epic (which Sight and Sound magazine has already called "the most anticipated film since moving pictures began").