Yesterday was the Fourth of July, and whilst people in America celebrated their independence, for we British it was a day of sorrow, and the flags were all flown at half mast at the passing of our once mighty Empire.Yet after over 200 years of separation who is really the better off? Here is a list of some of the things that you could have had if you had only stayed true to your hearts;
National Anthem- You could have had a National Anthem like ours, that asks God (who most of us don’t believe in) to save the Queen (who most of us wish we didn’t have to believe in). The best opportunity to hear the British National Anthem is at an Olympics Games medal ceremony in which all the other athletes have been disqualified for positive drugs tests.
Queuing for beer-any fool can sit at a table and wait for a waitress named Stacy or Debbie to come and serve them. Getting a drink in an English pub is a dog eat dog situation where first come does not mean first served (also we don’t have to tip).
Sporting violence- Americans have never really got to grips with the idea that a sporting event is an opportunity to fight as many people as you can, if any of you are attending the All Star game, think of it as an opportunity to be mindlessly jingoistic and small-minded-it’s what an Englishman would do.
Right there you have four good reasons why you should never have left us, you ungrateful fools. I suggest a swift apology and you will be back in the fold before you know it.I’m waiting by the phone.
Cheerio and pip pip.