One of the main benefits of writing for a globe-straddling,multi-media,trans-continental organization like the Arizona via Slough blog (soon to be re branded as "AVS Solutions") is that it gives me access to all the latest technology being developed by our team of scientists. The latest of which to land on my desk is the "Time Relationship And Spatial Horoscopograph" a computer program that enables the user to literally see the future. Simply by entering the relevant details of an individuals life this program, using the latest "fuzzy logic" technology, is able to accurately predict what will become of them at any given time in the future.
Obviously this program has practical uses such as predicting health problems in individuals or blackmailing the rich and powerful, but I thought it would be fun to input the names of some of your favorite baseball stars just to see where they will be in twenty years time. This is what the computer said;
Derek Jeter– Mr Jeter’s stint as the host of "America’s Got Talent 22" came to an infamous end during the performance of "Zach-The One Eyed Monkey" a novelty baseball based juggling/uni-cyclist act. The details of the incident were never caught on camera, but suffice to say the resulting operation was both prolonged and painful (later to be known as Derek Jeter surgery) however the bobble-head doll was eventually removed. Mr Jeter has not been seen in public since.
Barry Bonds– Mr Bonds’ decline and fall once he left the sport of baseball was predicted by many. How wrong they were! President Bonds is currently seeking re-election, a result that seems to be a formality having presided over what many commentators are officially calling "America’s Happiest Years". The jovial Mr Bonds can be seen smiling from many an advertising billboard and one of the most popular aspects of his Presidency is his predeliction to turn up unannounced at small social gatherings. Indeed, a children’s birthday party hardly seems complete without an appearance from Mr Bonds and his hilarious alter ego "Mr Pwesident".
Curt Schilling– Mr Schilling’s brief tenure as a United Nations peace envoy came to an abrupt end when an off the cuff remark led to the outbreak of the still ongoing war between Belgium and New Zealand. Mr Schilling’s time at the UN was marked by a huge upsurge in violence across the globe, and many experts believe that the two facts are not unconnected. In the upcoming war crimes trial Mr Schilling will be representing himself.
David Wright – The first signs of Mr Wright’s descent into madness became clear when he formed the "Lactose Intolerance Front" a terrorist organization that targeted dairy farmers. In an increasingly bizarre and unpredictable career he took up numerous such causes claiming that these were passed onto him by God through the personal ads of the Baltimore Sun. His tragic demise,along with that of over 200 of his followers, occurred at a compound in Atlanta where the FBI staged their annual botched raid.
Kenny Rogers – Mr Rogers’ first novel "Echoes From a Summer Morning" received both public and critical acclaim. This beautifully written story, set in in 19th century Gloucesteshire, tells of a young girls journey into womanhood. Now a regular on the daytime talk shows Mr Rogers has been dubbed the "housewives favorite" for his gentle and caring wisdom. He is currently working on his second novel "Why Do Clouds Cry?" telling the story of a Sicilian fisherman gradually coming to terms with his homosexuality.
Remember that all these predictions are guaranteed 100% accurate by "AVS Solutions" (soon to be re branded as "The AVS Global Network").