Gimme Some Truth

It’s time to dish the dirt on the game that we all love and tell you some of the things that drive me mad about going to the ballpark, after all there is an old British saying; "It’s better to hear the truth from a friend than a lie from an enemy" (actually I just made that up but it should be an old British saying).

These then are the things that I don’t like about the experience of watching baseball and expect them to be banned immediately.

Rawlings_baseball It’s a sporting event right? So why is everybody sat around me either on a first date or holding some kind of office meeting? It’s a crucial part of an inning and some guy shouts to some other guy 5 seats away "Hey Chad did Billy Bob call about that e-mail I sent?" Is there a particular strata of American business that just uses ballparks as their offices? Is it cheaper?

Worse than that though are the people who continually get up and leave,come back, get up and leave, come back. I assume that they have mistakenly come to the game in the belief that this is an aerobics class, either that or they have medical issues that need urgent attention (a catheter?) I’ve learned to solve the problem by a strategically placed foot. A broken bone soon cures their incessant wandering.

Another joy of the game is the guy (always a guy) who shouts out the same thing every time a particular player is batting (Hey Bonds! Did you forget your syringe!). Yes, it’s mildly amusing the first time, but by the end of the night I’m ready to give him a tracheotomy with my cotton candy stick (it can be done).

I’m no expert but why do I always have to sit behind someone who is? Yes I know that this is a hitters count.Yes I know that you should never walk the pitcher.Yes I know a lead off walk always comes back to hurt you.Yes I know that my hands are around your throat.

All of these though are bearable. There is only one thing that makes me traipse from the stadium in a foul mood.The Mexican Wave. Now I know that America is a modern country, so why do some people persist in the very 1980’s pastime of standing up and sitting down in unison.Listen people,I’m trying to watch a game here, the only thing that should make you want to get out of your seat is a home run or a great play. If I wanted mass crowd co-ordination I’d time travel back to 1930’s Nuremberg or go to see the American Idol final (seriously, how did Melissa not win?).

If I had one wish to make the planet a better place it would be the elimination of the dreaded wave.



  1. Kelly

    Last year, I spent a nice chunk of change to take my father to watch Ani Sanchez and the Fish take on Roger Clemens and the Astros. The man sitting in front of me not only blocked my view of the pitching duel, he spent all nine innings describing, in exquisite detail and at full volume, the entire process of digital video editing on a PC. Already being quite proficient in that area of expertise, you can imagine my irritation. I really could have used your tracheotomy trick that night.

  2. Russell

    Kelly/Michael- the tracheotomy trick will be included in my soon to be published book “How to Kill Slow People with Fast Food”

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